Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The Grudge

It's a touchy subject.  The art of holding a grudge...but is it an art? 

Holding a grudge may be almost instinctive, but it is never the proper response.
Now I know there are people out there that would argue this to the death, and those people have probably lost a good number of friends and relatives over misunderstandings and miscommunication. 

However, I believe there is one very important question that needs to be asked before a grudge can be justified.  Who does this benefit?

The answer is always no one.

What a grudge does for you:
     It is a constant reminder of the incident that made you angry in the first place.
     It keeps your feelings bottled up and creates unneeded hostility.
     It creates boundaries within the social and emotional aspects of your life.
     It prevents you from recovering from the incident that caused you to hold said grudge.

What a grudge does for the other party:
     Could cause them to feel guilt and remorse, not allowing them to repair or recover.
     Could cause hostility towards you in return.
     But this is only if they even notice.

We have all held a grudge at some point.  But what purpose did it serve?

When I was pregnant with my daughter, my father's parents made a comment that hurt me.  I did not speak to them for six years because of it.  My father was away, and so I cut them completely out of my life, and as a result so did my brother, sister, and mother.  They never met their great grand daughter.  When my father finally rejoined the family, he immediately contacted his parents, and after much insisting, I allowed them back into my life.  Here's the problem.  They never knew I was angry.  They did not have any memory of saying anything that would have upset me, or anyone else, and the entire time I exiled them from my life, they thought it was because of what my father had done. 

I had held a grudge for six years that was pointless.  They had no idea and it was only baggage on my life.  So before you decide to hold a grudge, ask yourself if it is worth your aggravation.  That is who it really affects, you and only you.  Move forward, forgive and evolve.  It will make you happier in the long run.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

The No Judgement Zone

Everyone has seen it happen.

You are walking through the office and you overhear two co workers trashing another co worker in a corner. Never over anything relevant like the quality of her work, or that he set your desk on fire.  They are always commenting on things they personally don't like about the other person.

Now in this situation you can do one of three things:
     1.  You can jump right in on the conversation
          and begin to criticize the person right along
          with the others.
     2.  You can walk away in semi disbelief and
          pretend that you didn't hear anything,even
          though the entire drive home you will
          will be thinking about all of the things you
          would have said to show those people they
          were wrong and out of line, had you not been
          on your way to get the celery out of your
          teeth at the time.
     3.  OR  you could actually say something.

Now honestly, most of us are going to end up doing the second.  There are reasons for this.  Some of us may be shy, maybe it was your boss or a senior employee doing the trashing, or maybe you just can't think of the right thing to say in those situations and you thought it best to not give the offenders ammo for you.  But, whatever the reason, let's look at why the third is the right thing to do.

I was once told that "Every person is doing the best that they think they can do with what they've got."

What I mean, is that everyone is born with some things, good looks, family connections, etc.
Then everyone is taught other things, and all of those things are different for every person.
Together, what you are born with and what you are taught make up what you have "got". Are you following ?

So if the ditsy girl at the office asks you more questions than most people would to ensure that the job she is helping you to do is done correctly, do you really need to talk about her behind her back for it?  After all, the job is getting done, you don't have to do it yourself, and she is polite and efficient. 

You should always try to remember that everyone is different.  Things may annoy you about people in your life, but instead of talking about them behind their backs, try thinking about all of the things you do that annoy others. And always try to find something good in everyone you meet.  Big or small there is always something there.  No one is perfect.  And after all, can you imagine if you were the person being trashed in the halls?

Next time you hear that conversation, say something.  Defend the victim of idol bitching.  You may not win friends, but you will gain respect.  Even the gossipers know they are in the wrong, otherwise they wouldn't be whispering and they would not be ashamed to say it to their victim in front of the entire office.

To the BITCHERs  :  Say it loud and say it proud, or keep it to yourself.  (Should I add a flashing sign?)  Your negativity is probably doing far more damage to the work environment than anything the person you think you are better than could do.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

You Can Teach An Old Dog New Tricks

I recently read an article that described all the stereotypes in Disney movies.

Read the Article

Now I am not saying that these stereotypes are not present, but I am saying that you do not notice them as a child.  It takes an adult to see the negatives in these films.  I can remember watching them as a child, and never once did I think to myself 'the bad guy has the voice of a black man.'  That never occurred to me and in fact I couldn't tell the difference until my late teens or early twenties.

But I did learn things from Disney films both as a child and as an adult.


The Jungle Book
     Child Me: learned that nature was a beautiful but dangerous
                      place.
     Adult Me: learned that in life there are always second chances.

Aladdin
     Child Me: learned that if you are always yourself, someone will
                      love you for it.
     Adult Me: learned that if you believe you can make a difference,
                      you will.

The Lion King
     Child Me: learned that one person can make all the difference.
     Adult Me: learned that after the loss of a loved one, life may
                      seem like it is over, but after the  proper grieving
                      period, life will go on and you will find yourself
                      again.

Pocahontas    
      Child Me: learned that nature is more wondrous and powerful
                       than we can imagine and it should be respected and cared for.
      Adult Me: learned that, although the trees don't really talk to you, you can still have a relationship
                       with nature that is refreshing and surprising.  (And also that the history is not always 
                       solid in Disney films.)

The Emperor's New Groove
     Child Me: learned that if you are selfish no one will like you.
     Adult Me: learned that if you can live in harmony with those around you, you will live the richest
                      life.

Peter  Pan
     Child Me: learned that you don't need to be an adult to care for those around you, like Peter cared
                      for the lost boys.
     Adult Me: learned that I should never take anything too seriously and should always remember to
                      have a little fun.

101 Dalmatians
     Child Me: learned that some people really are just bad people.
     Adult Me: learned that family is whom you make it.

And last but not least

Lady and The Tramp  and The Aristocats....because let's face it, they were almost the same story.
     Child Me: learned that love can be surprising.
     Adult Me: learned that love can be found in the most unlikely of places.

I'm sure there were many others, but for now, I suppose this shows what is seen through the eyes of someone who was enjoying the films for what they were and not looking for something negative.  So what did you learn from Disney?

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Always Sunny

Guy Number 1: "How are you?"
Guy Number 2: "Fine. You?"

Sound familiar?

It sounds like almost every persons initial conversation with everyone they come into contact with.

But most people that say they are 'fine' don't stop to think about how they are truly feeling.

Fine:   1.  Of the highest quality. (fine wine)
           2.  Choice as in the quality of work. (fine painting)
           3. Consisting of minute particles. (sand)
I could continue, but there would be no point, because none of these describe a feeling or way of being, unless you happen to be a wine or a painting, or a beach.

So when did it become inappropriate to tell others how you are feeling?
It was once considered polite to say one was well, which is more acceptable because it describes a state of health or mind, and although it is a vague response, it would certainly cut it when the conversation is between strangers.

However, suppose it was your mother who inquired as to how you were.  In this situation I don't feel that well is an intimate enough answer.  The closer the relationship with the person, the more honest and forthcoming the answer should be.  Who said we were always supposed to be 'fine' anyway?

I believe that you should always try to be honest with this initial answer.  Suppose you get into a conversation, and you were not fine.  You were in fact ill, grumpy, and tired, and you wind up arguing with the other participant because of this.  It all could have been avoided if you had simply answered the question "How are you" honestly.

This leads us into the power of positive thinking.  I occasionally meet strangers in my line of work and most of them will ask the question.  I always answer with some sort of positive wording that doesn't normally fit with the question.

Fabulous, wonderful, splendid, peachy, ducky, lovely, phenomenal, fantastic, great...or anything else you can think of.  It brightens their day, which in turn brightens mine.

You could also try answers that truly express your mood like devious, playful, angry, mischievous, happy, giddy, disappointed, smug or excited.

The bottom line:____________
Honesty opens the doors of conversation, laughter and sometimes a deeper understanding of the person you are speaking to.  And isn't that the point of asking how someone is in the first place?

Friday, July 1, 2011

To Thine Own Self Be True

Today I was driving through the city during rush hour.  I was alone in the vehicle, which of course, meant the music was up just one click above where the deaf would listen to music.
Hear the song!----

 Naturally, I was singing and dancing like a fool, because, let's face it, everyone does it once in a while.

The vehicle next to me was a young couple, and they had noticed my personal party.  I noticed them laughing, and so like anyone else would do, I rolled down my window and told them what station I was listening to so they could join in, and continued my shindig.

OK. Now I know most people would be horribly embarrassed and would sooner speed away than invite the car next to them to join in, but why?

Everyone has things that they are afraid to do in public, but that we would gladly do when no one is looking, or at least when we think no one is looking.  Now don't get carried away with this idea and think it is suddenly acceptable to masturbate in the park.  No.  (Please don't do that.)

I am talking about singing, dancing, kissing, playing games, watching movies or listening to a kind of music that is unpopular or deemed inappropriate for your age.  But if we all do these things, then why are we so afraid to shake our stuff in the bar on Saturday night?

It is a fear of judgment.  Well have no fear.

Every person out there is hiding traits they have personally deemed unacceptable for the public eye, but it is important to remember that it is you who made that decision.  Besides, you never know who might fall in love with those quirky parts of your personality.

So let your freak flag wave freely!

Next time you are in the check out line, sing the song on the radio and do a jig.  Play basketball with that group of strange kids in the park the next time the urge strikes, or jump fully clothed into the pool at the family barbecue.  And soccer mom's that like Justin Bieber, blare it!  Damn the 'rules'  and the judgement.

To thine own self be true.  Besides, the looks you will get will make you laugh too, and laughing is always in the plus column at the end of the day.